Probably one of the most common traits you will find among those who have drug or alcohol problems is a lack of any serious friendships or social attachments outside of family members. The reasons for this are multifaceted and unique to the individual to some degree, but over time you still learn to pick up on some commonalities. In my humble opinion, most of this phenomenon is tied to the fact that the level of self deception one must engage in order to function as a drunk or an addict is such that the deception of others is inevitable collateral damage. As a general rule, people do not like being fucked with in this manner, so they bail on us in short order, and who can blame them?
The true tragedy comes to those who are not so easily deterred, and this typically comprises those who love us. This is nearly always either our family members or significant others, who most of the time knew us long before we had substance problems and therefore see the silver lining that is invisible to the average person. It is this memory of us being "normal" that these folks cling to, in the hopes that we may someday again embody this same archetype. That being said, even family does not have limitless patience. In my own personal experience I was extremely lucky. My family put up with levels of deception, dishonesty, theft, etc. that I can't imagine anyone would endure. I know I probably wouldn't if the situation were reversed. It has taken me years and years to attempt to repair the damage I caused, and even to this day most in my family still view me with a degree of (quite justified) suspicion.
I now shower my family members with extravagant gifts for Xmas, their birthdays, etc. but this is really just flawed thinking on my part, no different than a step-parent who is trying to buy the affections of a child. My Mother enjoys a Sunday morning phone call from me to talk about my week a million times more than she would me buying out her wish list on Amazon, but I still do it anyway. So why do I still do it? I am awful at self analysis, but I think part of me is trying to show off my level of relative affluence as a defense mechanism. As if to say "Hey [insert family member here] I am rich, so therefore I have to have my shit together, otherwise who in their right mind would pay me so much money?"
This type of behavior has everything to do with me attempting to convey an image that is far removed from reality. The other day I got to thinking and I added up the total seating in my apartment. When you factor in my dining room table, sectional, love seat, patio furniture, bar stools at the kitchen breakfast bar, and various others, there is seating for approximately 30 people in my home. The reality is that other than a few random one night stands here and there, nobody other than the apartment maintenance guy has ever set foot in my apartment. Now granted that some of this might have to do with a culture of consumerism that has managed to gain a foothold on most people's brains, but I think the larger issue is that I am all about image and outward appearances, even to myself.
These days my alcohol and drug use is far subdued from what it once was. I am a somewhat functional and contributing member of society on most days after all. What has not changed is my lack of any close friends or females that stick around longer than a week or so. Since I can't, most of the time, blame my love of booze and illicit substances for this discrepancy, I then have to ponder what is it about me that has lead me to this bizarre version of "normal". I tend to think that because I am a somewhat shady character that I may always be suspicious of others intentions as well. Females that I have met either at bars or from various forms of social media have often tried to "reel me in". What invariably happens is that I end up ignoring their calls and texts and sooner or later they give up. At this point I will then revert back to introverted mode where I do little other than work and come home. Eventually I will get lonely and put myself out there again and the process repeats itself. Many guys in the world might do this because they fancy themselves a player, but that is not really my situation at all. I derive no enjoyment from the thrill of the hunt. At the end of the day I suppose my biggest fear is that they will eventually discover the real me and then I will be forced to deal with real rejection before I get an opportunity to reject them first.
As for friends that have no level of romantic involvement, my clients seem to fill this void in my life. Some of the people at the office criticize me for being so "buddy buddy" with those I do business with and suggest I instead keep them at arms length. I have summarily rejected this position. The great thing about clients is that I do not have to see them very often, so there is no real time to develop a serious friendship, thus no risk. We can hang out, and talk shop, and party, and then the next day I am on a plane back home only to see them again in maybe a month or so. It's sort of like a single serving bromance in most cases.
Do I still sometimes long for the days of young adolescence when I had numerous "best friends" who knew every facet of my life backwards and forwards? Of course I do, and I think every human being on the planet does to some degree. However, the reality is that I am deeply flawed individual that may never have the ability to form these types of relationships ever again. My coping mechanism for this has been outlined above. As irrational as it might be, it has managed to keep me somewhat sane up to this point.
In short, my friends. I walk alone.
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